‘Plans for a future and a hope! “

This is what I’ve held on to during this journey
As I’ve struggled physically, I’ve found my faith becoming stronger and my gratitude endless.

I’ve reached some real turning points this past few days.
Sunday was the first time since July that I drove to TjMaxx and went inside all by myself and shopped, then I went to Fresh- and walked all over the store trying to find what I needed.
Monday I had training with Phu Lam and then had my kinesiology session with Daymond Patterson of The Raw Power Team then I had a Simple Man session on a client at Rockwall Body and Soul Massage and then my sons came and helped me get the room ready for Rebecca Joann Brumfield to work for 2 weeks!
I came home after the hail and rain storm, exhausted and happy!

Yesterday I ran back into the store to get glasses and then did sessions, and finally stopped by to see my daughter, Kateley Lyons and love on my bundles for a minute.
Then on the spur of the moment, I asked Riven if she would come with me , and she said, “yes!”
She grabbed a bag, kissed her family and got in my car.
We went to Aldi to pick up my grocery order and then headed home.. at the red light, I turned to her and said, “I haven’t driven with you in so long”
“Not since I was 7!” she replied.
Then she said, “sometimes your driving scares me…. But then it always has even before you got sick!”

Truth spoken… So I had to share stories of how my Mema would drive crazy, racing the teenage boys at the lights, taking the corners so fast that we would slide across the seats, singing all the while….I ain’t got nothing on that woman when it comes to scary driving… But I got this .. I have a future and a hope .. every day I’m getting stronger and that’s my intention so that I can dance with Greg again, pick up my bundles and girls and take them treasure hunting at places, have cookouts and go wherever I want without falling, and to live my life, mindful of my blessings and in awe of every step I take.
It’s been a journey. . everything that has happened has taught me so much and I’m working out even harder with clear goals and expectations – to become the woman I was created to be!
God has a plan and a purpose!

This is something else that I didn’t write but that hit my soul in such a way that I feel compelled to share here

It’s ironic because yesterday. I was watching a children’s movie and the Abuleta said to her granddaughter, “You can’t rush the future.”

So simple but so true

Just like Elle Browning words here,. There’s some simple wisdom that we can take to heart

When we grief deeply it means we loved deeply… and we must keep on loving… Even if, especially if we are fully aware that we will grief again.

“The future doesn’t have to be the same as the past’

Indeed, it doesn’t…

I don’t grief those that have gone to dance in glory because I know they left in love and were welcomed into love. I grief instead for love that’s withheld and changed by choices,.. it is what it is and I’m letting it go… And the future will not look like the past

This is a photo of me and my late brother, Brendan. It was taken by a good friend of mine, Irvin Kelly several years ago during one of our “just for fun” photo shoots in the basement of my old apartment. We used to love using Photoshop to “play with light.”

Why am I posting this today?

For a few reasons. One- even though Brendan died three years ago, I still grieve him deeply. I know that so many of you are also grieving different losses of your own, and I want to acknowledge that here.

In a FB Live this week I talked about how Covid has impacted many of us both personally and professionally, and that is a grief, too.

One concept that gives me comfort- our grief is connected to our capacity to love. We can only grieve the loss of something or someone that we have deeply loved.

And so ironically the antidote to grief and loss is not to cut off life, and to stop loving.

It’s actually to love more.

To surrender to the unknown.

To risk the exposure to even more future griefs because we allow ourselves to love so deeply and completely.

This is brave. It’s saying yes to more of life, which is a courageous act.

So this idea gives me comfort. Remembering that new things can be born. New experiences can be created. And the future doesn’t need to look exactly like the past.

Are you grieving a loss? What gives you comfort?

Every year I make resolutions and promises for New Years… Some are good ones, and others aren’t .

This time it’s a little different.. no, let’s me honest… It’s VERY different.
Since August of 2021, I’ve been on a journey.. a hard, beautiful, crazy and chaotic one.. and you know what?
It’s changed me, it’s made me physically weaker and spiritually stronger where I’ve been focused for so long on just the opposite.
God knew I needed this time to be still and be quiet and lose my illusions of control so that I could who He had created me to be.
I’m passionate.
I’m messy.
I screw up.
I fall down… a lot lately.. but I always get back up.
I’m blunt.. Greg Mead has spent years telling me to be gentler… He wasn’t telling me to be less than myself, he was telling me to choose my words with compassion.
I had to learn some real important lessons.
I had to learn that my beautiful daughter was watching me and seeing herself.. and when I was critiquing my body, I was, in fact, criticizing hers, too.
This is a hard truth.. but when I go into a dressing room to try on anything and she’s with me, I don’t even look in the mirror.. I look at her.
Kateley Lyons is the mirror. She’s the one that I see when I look in the mirror.. and she’s the one that looks at me and sees who she’s becoming
Damn.
That’s me, too.
Sometimes words pop out of my mouth and I wrestle with them.
I get riled up and I shoot off, letting my emotions take over but you know what else
I forgive.
I don’t hold grudges, I never have.
I’m not afraid… and that used to worry the tarnation out of my momma and my Mema but it has served me well.
So, yeah. I’m not afraid of hard work and I’m not afraid of getting hurt, I’m not afraid of falling and I’m not afraid of jack shit except..
I’m afraid that I haven’t loved enough. I’m afraid I haven’t invited enough and I’m afraid I haven’t said, “yes” when I really wanted to. I’m afraid I’ve waited too long for that “special time” when I shouldn’t have.. I’m afraid that I cared too much what “others” would think it instead of what I really thought

So here I am.. kicking off the New Year with the truth of the matter..
I am a lot of things.. but above all, and most importantly, I’m created by God at this time and space.. to be the wife, the mom and the Jamma I am.
I’m created to love more.. to create more . to be confident and strong in the body He’s blessed me with, I’m created to write and to speak and to touch with love, grit and grace.
I’m created to guard my heart against anything that pulls me down and to guard those I love fiercely .
I’m created for good works.. and to give God the glory
Damn straight, that’s what I’m going to do .. come on 2022.. let’s do this beautifully, gracefully and well!

Usually I write long letters for Christmas..
Usually, we take family pictures at Walls Tree farm and usually I have tons of gifts wrapped up under the tree.
Usually, my studio is decorated and my clients are greeted with candy canes and hot cocoa and usually I hand out boxes of cookies, too.
Usually, I wear lots of eye makeup and add lashes just because.. and usually I’m running around from one place to another with a long list….
But this year hasn’t been “usual” for me at all.
Maybe you don’t know me-yet-maybe you know OF me… Rockwall is still a small town in many ways.

I’m the deaf gal that writes a blog, walks on people (Ashiatsu babe), and dances on the square.. and usually I take it for granted that I can do all those things I am known for and love to do… But, this ain’t been an usual year and after I read this post by Amy Weatherly,I knew I had to share it here .

This has been one helluva year .. and this Christmas I’m not taking anything for granted- not the steps I can now climb, not the great taste of coffee and peanut butter cookies, not the giggles of children, not the steadfast love of a good man and wonderful kids, not the deep friendships and texts that kept me going.
All those things that I usually took for granted, mean so much more this year.
You know why? God took me out of my usual life style and let me learn-the hard way-just how blessed I am. Usually, I keep my faith to myself…. But during this past year, I’ve felt the constant presence of the Holy Spirit protecting me and healing me and pursuing me .. That’s not usual for me…. But then again, ain’t nothing been usual this year… So here we are .. Merry Christmas, y’all… Pull on your boots and do what’s right this season! Don’t take nothing for granted and love big much! Be unusually generous and compassionate to yourself and to others!
Much love,
Jeanna’ Mead

writingmyheartout #deaftherapist #myownwords #jeannasoul

“After the year we’ve been through, I hope we’ve all learned that this is the season.

This is the season to actively pursue joy, and this is the season to intentionally choose peace. This is the season to forgive, and to do whatever you can to find some bandaids and a new perspective and soothing words to heal old wounds and patch up past scars.

This is the season to reach out, and to make fresh starts, and to chart a new path. This is the season to let drama go, and to loosen your grip on bitterness, and anger, and resentment. This is the season to tell somebody you love them. Right now. No waiting. No assuming they already know.

After all we’ve lost, I hope we’ve all learned that this is the season.

This is the season to give.

This is the season to be grateful, and to be good to each other—to our family, to our friends, to strangers across the world and strangers right here in our hometowns. This is the season to appreciate what we have, and who we have, and who we are.

This is the season to figure out what really matters, and to release whatever doesn’t. This is the season to hold hands, and come together, and invite more to the table and to appreciate how we all belong to each other. How we are all woven together and connected in this weird, wonderful tapestry of life.

This is the season to be careful with what you say, and how you say it because nobody is their best right now. We’re all a little heartbroken, and so we have to make a decision—do I add to the heartbreak? Do I continue the cycle, or do I add to the heartmending? Do I hurt, or do I help?

This is the season to share.

This is the season to figure out where you have some extra, and hand it out freely. This is the season to let vanities go, and to find courage, and to walk in total freedom.

This is the season to love.

And this is the season to listen, and learn cause somebody out there has a point-of-view that’s not at all like yours—and maybe it isn’t wrong, and maybe it isn’t right. Maybe it’s just different, and that’s okay. It’s nice to take a second to put on someone else’s shoes and understand them a little better. Maybe that’s the start of compassion, and maybe compassion is the start of coming together.

Maybe this isn’t the season to push people away after all. Maybe this is the season to pull people a little closer, and recognize the common threads that run through us all.

Maybe this is the season to do a little more of what Jesus did. ❤️

Love,
Amy*

She knew better

Really, she did

But t that didn’t always matter

When she looked in the mirror

She found herself comparing

Who she was to who she wasn’t

She saw flaws instead of beauty

And she was so cruel to herself

She spoke words to the reflection

That she wouldn’t say to anyone else

It became a daily thing

As she gave in and became

Her own worst enemy

Instead of her own best friend

She was getting used to being cruel to herself

But then the day came

When she looked at the mirror and saw

Her daughter gazing back at her

Eyes wide open

And she saw the mirror image

Who she was and who she would be

How could she be cruel to herself

When she had someone that looked almost exactly the same

The words she started to say

Begin to change

She couldn’t be cruel to herself

When she saw herself through the eyes of God

and saw her own little girl.

💙 Jeanna’ Mead for Chasity

12.19.21. 646 a.m

Inspirited by Chasity and pushed by this devotional

Begin Again: A 7-Day Devotional By Leeana Tankersley • Devotional

https://bible.com/reading-plans/11488/day/4?segment=0

Black Coffee and Listening –
Begin Again: A 7-Day Devotional By Leeana Tankersley

http://bible.com/r/2zI
I’ve started getting up at 5 a.m. Not every day, but more days than not. This is an anomaly for me. Normally, I am addicted to sleep. But this pre-twilight pocket, between night and morning, seems like it has something for me.

I sit and drink black coffee and listen and write. Undistracted. I write on the top of my paper:

God, what do you want to say to me this morning?

And I just listen, keeping track of a dialogue that sometimes arrives quickly and completely and sometimes arrives fragmented and unresolved. I have been asking God this question for a while now, but never in the dark, never early in the morning like this. I’m beginning to believe, though, that there are treasures hidden

in the darkness. And when you are beginning a journey of opening up, you need these hidden treasures along the way.

I chose the word listen for my word this year. The root means “to honor.” I love that.

Listening is about trading our trying for trust. This is how we find true rest, I believe. Listening is a begin-again kind of ritual. It’s never finished and it’s always possible, and it’s waiting to give us living and breathing gifts that are new every morning. We start where we are, not where we want to be, which requires a new level of honesty with ourselves.

But if I can sit in the truth that I am held by Love no matter what, I can and will begin again. God invites me to “seal in” this work, my listening, my trust, my held-ness. He says, Breathe and begin again. Keep coming to the table and I will keep showing you the way.

Set aside some time today for your own pre-twilight moment. Breathe, listen, and write down what you hear.
☕💙

This is my devotional this morning and I had to laugh because Greg Mead bought me coffee this morning and said, ‘it’s black coffee-there’s no milk and no honey in the house “
I haven’t been able to drive in months so I haven’t been to the grocery store.. and forgot to place my Aldi order to get picked up so…. No milk, and no honey for the coffee.
But here I am, writing what comes to my heart after spending time with Jesus…
There’s this picture along with this study that hits me hard ..
“Fixed up”. . That’s what my Mema would say when putting on her coral lipstick, Mary Kay makeup and White Shoulders collection.. and I do mean ‘collection’ because she would layer on the powder, the cologne and the lotion until you could smell her coming from a country mile.
That’s how she “fixed up” and here I am, feeling like I’m just not “fixed up.”

Since the beginning of December, in preparation for cataract surgery, bought on suddenly by steroid injections to combat Covid, I’ve been unable to “fix up” my eyes… none of my trademark eye shadow, liner, mascara, or fake eye lashes and I’ve felt it.
I’ve felt blah, I have felt ugly, I’ve looked at the mirror and groaned with defeat as I tried to “fix up” the best I can without highlighting my best feature-my eyes.
Yet, while I’m moaning and groaning about how I look, my husband tells me that he loves seeing just my eyes without all my ‘stuff” on them and it makes me think…

God sees us without all our ” stuff” .. He wants us just the way we are… without being ” fixed up” , just willing to drink the black coffee and listen to what He’s saying without adding honey or milk-sugar coating the truth.
He wants us to be so filled with His love that people can sense it from a country mile just like they could smell my Mema’s White Shoulders perfume before they saw her.
Now don’t get me wrong… As soon as I can, I’m gonna fix my eyes up, and I’m gonna put on my fake eye lashes, coat on the mascara, line my lashes and stroke on the shadow… But I’m keeping my gaze fixed on Jesus, and I’m placing my order for milk and honey to sweeten up tomorrow’s coffee .
That’s the way He made me.. He knows good and well that I like things sweet and I like to look all “fixed up” but He loves me even when I’m not and He’s got a way of making sure I know that-black coffee and all!

writingmyheartout #myownwords #jeannasoul

Before I go sleep, let me share this from Deaf Read.
Over the years, I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never know everything that’s being said but…..there’s times when the sheer lack of consideration stabs my heart.

It’s the little things ,saying “never mind” instead of repeating, giving the “Readers Digest “version instead of the whole story. Picking a restaurant that’s dimly lit.

Awhile back,I was talking with a friend about missing out at backyard parties. You see,when it gets dark and everyone else gathers around the fire to talk and share stories….I go inside because I can’t read lips in the darkness and I won’t just sit there,pretending to understand.
This guy said something that touched my soul. He said,”I’ll go inside with you” and while we’ve never been at an evening outdoor event ,I know that if he had the chance, he’ll come sit with me, wherever I can read his lips.
It’s taken me a long,long time to accept my deafness ….and to appreciate the different gift it is.
Now…truth be told,I consider my deafness an asset and not a disability.
After all,I have the best excuse to sit closer and look into the eyes of whoever I’m with,and to touch them and be completely in tune.

I just ask for you to leave the lights on,sit close and look me the eye.