Lovely

I read the lyrics to this song a few years ago while doing a massage and it became a favorite.

I had been struggling during some dark days in my life and part of the struggle was that I had lost my own self- my confidence, my sense of style, my beauty in an attempt to be what another person made me feel I should be.

It took a great deal of soul searching and a few really good friends to help me break through the darkness and into the light again.

I had to let go of what I thought I was supposed to be to become who I was meant to be. I had to let go of who I used to be, and embrace who I am now.

That meant looking at my body with new eyes,appreciating the curves and the softness, as well as the muscles and strength. It meant accepting the way time has engraved marks and lines and seeing them as part of the mosaics of the art of my body instead of parts to be ashamed of.

For me it also meant taking a good,hard look at my closet.

I got rid of anything that didn’t make me smile when I put it on, anything that didn’t feel good,fit right, or have a purpose or hold a special spot in my heart.

I indulged in my weakness- cowboy boots, beautiful lace panties, off-shoulder tops and colorful dresses and I decided I would wear them whether or not my legs were perfectly toned, or everyone else was wearing more appropriate attire. I decided I would show up in what I felt lovely in.

There were times when I stepped into the reception room to greet a new client that I would catch the look of surprise that they had booked a massage with a woman in cowboy boots and dress but I never had anyone walk away because of it and maybe,just maybe some return because of it.

I have flatly refused to wear scrubs or any type of uniform. I’m not trying to fit into a preconceived idea of what a professional should look like because,quite frankly, it isn’t what matters to me.

Saturday afternoon I went with my best friend, Aletta Joy, to a gathering of women at the home of my close friend, Lisa, and I felt my body and soul relax and let go in the company of these women.

This is another huge leap of faith for me but I took it because Aletta Joy and Lisa were both instrumental in pulling me back out of the shadows and into the light.

When I doubted my strength and beauty, I was reminded. When I needed a hug,an invitation and a margarita- there they were. When I didn’t feel good enough, I looked at them and knew I was because women like that don’t waste time with people that ain’t good enough for them.

They are lovely. They make me feel lovely just the way I want to be.

Now I’m standing on the ragged edge again,preparing for another leap of faith and reading the lyrics to songs and reminding myself-

I’m just little old me..but that’s enough and I’m lovely just the way I am”

I’m going to pull on my cowboy boots and take off running after another part of my dream…because I know I’ve got some really g good people cheering me on, holding back the darkness and shining the light!

Drunk

“One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk…” – Charles Baudelaire

backsliders wine

i tend to pick the finest
bottle of suffering
forgetting to check
the small print
for its potency
and levels of toxicity

i drink it
heartily
refill after refill
a deadly bouquet
of the deepest
darkest crimson

it intoxicates
all the way
down to the bone

i am a connoisseur
of its exotic flavor
guaranteed
to deliver a high dose
of ecstasy and torment

i am mistaken
defiant
tripped up
and tripped over
hemorrhaging
inside my chest

rub me right
and i will let you into
the secrets of my heart…

but i will not tell you
where the trip wire lays…

-randini-

She rubbed them right
Every single one
Left them drunk
From her touch
Wanting more

She held the bottle
Poured it slowly
Quenching the body
Filling the soul
Until they were

Intoxicated
Weak in the knees
Begging for more
Grabbing on to her
Drunk from her touch
As she rubbed

👣💗Jeanna’
6 43 a.m

Jesus, Buddha, and Paulo

If what she imagines

Really could come true

If what she feels

Really attracts

If what she thinks

Could happen

And her prayers be answered

If all her dreams

Wild fantasies

Hopes and desires could all begin to fall into place

Oh, goodness gracious

What it would be like

Could she take the words of Jesus, a little bit of Buddha, mix it up with Paulo and see what happens

It’s always been that way

She lives on the ragged edge

Bits and pieces of many things

Shape her thoughts

Build her faith

She’s a lover and a believer

In kindred spirits

Red threads

Stars aligning

Doors opening

All because of a little bit of Jesus, Buddha and Paulo

Nothing is cut and dried

Black and white

Straight and narrow

There’s underlined verses, highlighted words, stars and hearts in the margins of a bible, a bunch of books and leather journal

She takes it all in

Just the way it feels

Figures that if it’s meant it be

Then it surely will

So if she believes it

Dreams of it

Puts out her hands

To manifest and grab hold of it

She’ll pray about it

Seek out wisdom

Take a walk and mediate

Then she’ll do the best she can

Just like

Jesus, Buddha and Paulo

Tell her to

👣💗Jeanna’ Mead

7 53 a.m 3-24-19

Www jeannasoul.com

Oscar

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being…” – Oscar Wilde

Oscar asked the question
He should have known damn well
Not to play games like that
With a woman

These circumstances are her choices

But make no mistake
Don’t let your guard down
Assume anything

Because underneath it all

She’s got a wild side
Mischievous streak

She doesn’t quite fit in
No matter where she goes
Standing out of bounds
Edge of the crowd
Away from the circle
In her own space

Where she can be found
Only by those
That dare to cross
That ragged edge

Get close enough

To be intoxicated

Catch her drift

Inhale her scent

Find out about

Her wild side

Get under her skin

She only lets a very few
Come that close

She keeps a curved blade tucked
Behind her belt
Inside her boot
Underneath her table

Just in case
Anyone ever tries to hold her
Against her will

Like Oscar wondered
So did others

But she had learned
To be content
With her circumstances
Most of them
Anyways

And she found ways
To let her wild side free
Hitchhiking along
Kicking open doors
Holding her own
Leaving her mark
Using her words
Raising her voice
Playing her song
Dancing alone

Making do
Finding enough
The best of both worlds

She wasn’t “normal”
Whatever the tarnation
That was supposed to mean

She was happy

She had found ways

To get around

And make the best

Of all her circumstances

And that was all that was necessary

For her anyways

Jeanna’ Mead 6 6 56 a.m 3-21-19
Www.jeannasoul.com

Bars and Bottles- The Two Of Us

Way back then

There was the two of us

Driving each other crazy

Playing hide-and-seek

Behind the bar

Messing with the bottles

That were just too tempting

Sneaking sips of whiskey

Bitter as could be

Johnny Walker Red

Wild Turkey

J and B

Pretending to be

Older and cooler

Clever and cunning

We were just sneaking around

Knowing full well

There could be hell to pay

If anything should break

If anyone dared

To tattle-tale

But the two of us

Were really good

At hiding

Behind the bar and the bottles

We didn’t get caught

Too often at all

Fast forward

To right now

The two of us

Are still real good

At playing hide-and-seek

Sneaking around

Hoping no-one will tattle-tale

And that old bar that held our secrets

Where we would go and hide

In plain sight

Is about to hold some more

Different kinds of bottles

Filled with other things

But it’ll still bring back memories

Of the two of us

Driving each other crazy

Hiding behind the bar and the bottles

Counting on each other

Just like way back then

The two of us

👣💗 Jeanna’ Mead

7 23 a.m 3-21-19

Www.jeannasoul.com

For Jeff..still driving him Crazy 😌

Changed

When she made changes

Little ones

Big ones,too

She knew

That she was really doing it

Just for herself

But every now and then

She wondered

If anyone noticed

The changes she had made

👣💗Jeanna’ Mead

6 42 a.m 3-21-19

Www.jeannasoul.com

Shivers and Curves

“I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend. The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body…” – Tahereh Mafi

Shivers and curves

Was all she had

There wasn’t any one

Memorizing her words

Or the shape of her bright red lips

When she spoke

So she wrote instead

Poetry

Short stories

Mysterious renderings

Glimpses into the private world of her mind

That no-one really knew

She found that her words

somehow managed

To make her feel

As if she was the friend

Hopelessly loved

For every single shiver and curves

👣💗Jeanna’ Mead

2 40 p.m. 3-20-19

Www.jeannasoul.com