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Who We Were

5 weeks ago, I started a 6 week challenge at a gym, determined to get my body back in shape.

I sent a text to my cousin. Jeff,telling him what I was doing and explaining that I missed who I was.

I told him that I missed the body I had back in 2013 when I opened my massage studio. I missed the way I looked and felt. I complained to him that I didn’t like what I looked like now.

Jeff texted me back, and his words have stuck in my head since.

“We can’t be who we were, only who we are.”

Then he said, “Do you really want what you had then….you were obsessed with fitness, and now you’re crazy about those kids.”

Obsessed with fitness.

Crazy about those kids.

How true those words are.

Jeff is right. He really is.

I was obsessed with fitness..training every day and watching every thing I ate..and it showed. My body was toned and tight, my muscles were cut,and I walked confidently in high heel wedges and shorts. I spent hours at the gym, money on training and on fitness equipment. I arranged my schedule around my workouts and made sure that I had gym time.

That was who I was.

Things have changed,though.

Back in 2013, I didn’t have what I have now.

I have other reasons to be strong,other reasons to wear shorts,other reasons to have defined muscles.

I have four grandchildren; Riven,Luke, Charli,and Phoenix.

I’m crazy about them. I arrange my schedule to see them, to have play dates with my most favorite people.

This is who I am now.

I’m Jamma.

In 2013, I wasn’t and now, in 2019, six years later, this is who I am.

There’s a few strands of gray in my hair now. There’s more laugh lines around my eyes. I know my body isn’t as toned and tight and my muscles aren’t cut like they used to be.

I wear shorts with tenny shoes so I can run up and down ramps at the park and catch a little boy that jumps off high places, confident that I’ll catch him.

I eat chocolate fudge brownie sundaes on dates with a five year old.

I let a 2 year old pop candy in my mouth.

I lick the icing off spoons, lick yogurt off sticky fingers, kiss glazed sugar lips.

I share french fries,tator tots, and milk shakes.

And it shows.

Not just in my body.

It shows in the way that really matters.

These kids know I’m crazy about them. They know,without a doubt,that they are my priority.

They don’t care about how tight and toned I am. They care about how I tight I hug them.

They don’t notice the defined muscles, they just know I can carry them.

They feel loved. I feel loved.

As I count down the days until my challenge is finished…I find myself reflecting on these truths and the words of my cousin, Jeff.

“We can’t be who we were, only who we are.”

So for the next five days, I’ll arrange my schedule to train hard, to get in extra workouts, and I’ll watch every bite I eat and everything I drink.

I’m going to do my very best and win this challenge to prove to myself that I can still be who I was.

But then, I’m going to be who I am.

I’m going to be obsessed with who and what I am right now in 2019.

I have more now. More reasons to be physically fit, but also more reasons to be obsessed with my life,not just my body.

I have things to do, places to do, dates to the park and to stores, and hot fudge brownie sundaes waiting to be shared.

“We can’t be who we were, only who we are.”

Isn’t that amazing?

We can decide and become who we are right now.

The past- no matter how beautiful or how broken- is over and done with.

The present is now.

The future is to come.

Be who you are, now.

Obsessed and crazy,even.

Be all there for the life you are living now.

Do the very best you can and arrange your schedule so that you can love more.

See yourself through the eyes of those that really matter..not just the reflection in the mirror.

It’s really that simple.

Crazy, isn’t it?

Jeff knows me well…he’s known me long enough to understand my crazy obsessions and call me out on them and sit me straight.

I think we should all have someone that will tell us like it is

“We can’t be who we were,only who we are.”

👣💗 Jeanna’ Mead

9 38 a.m 1.13.19

Www.jeannasoul.com

P.S..I’ll always be Jeff’s cousin…and he’ll always be mine.

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Breathe

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 My Own Gifts

I celebrated my birthday on May 10 and it began another year of resolutions,of dreams and promises to myself, of written lists to check off and prayers waiting to be answered….books to read and words to write, places to go and people to see.

A few years ago I had decided that instead of a traditional New Year’s Eve start. I would begin my own New Year by starting on my birthday.

So this year I’ve vowed to give gifts…to myself and to others. 

I’m giving myself the gift of acceptance..of the woman I am now and the girl that I once was.  That means accepting my deafness and the way it’s shaped me and my relationships with others.  It means accepting my scars- those that can be seen and those that are invisible to the eye but felt with the heart. It also means accepting age and my body and the changes in my appearance. It means accepting a different standard of beauty and strength. It means that I’ll embrace self…my struggles, my sensuality, my deep spirit and bright light, my chaos, and the things that set me apart and I’ll find others that accept those without making me feel like something is wrong with me.

I’m also giving the gifts of forgiveness to myself and to others.  It may not be neatly packaged, tied with pretty ribbons and it may very well be a bit rumbled and worn, stained with tears but I’m handing it over with all the love I can. 

There’s another gift I’m going to give away graciously. I’m giving the precious irreplaceable gift of time.  My Mema used to say “Come sit down and spend some time with me.” and that’s exactly what I’m going to spend generously. Time  can not be replaced and that can never be repeated so I will choose to spend time with people, choose to make priorities, choose to live spontaneously, choose to “go and be”, instead of “wait and see”.

I have been writing on this chalkboard by my studio for weeks for everyone to see and reflect upon as they walk by.  It’s this simple sentence -“What do you want to be known for?”- but it carries so much weight and for this New Year of my life, I’ve pondered what I want to be known for.

 Love.

That’s it…..I want to be known for love…I want to give love so generously that people walk away feeling touched and known. I want to do what I love and love what I do.  I want to feel love- in the dirt between my toes, in the smiles on the faces, in the embraces received and given. 

I want to make love more this year of my life…more spur-of-the-moment dances, more time with my kindred spirits, more time with my family. More memories made with Love.

This means I’ll have to make sure I love myself enough to listen to my intuition, to use my voice, honor my body and soul, give myself the gift of love and live this New Year of my life beautifully.






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Anticipation and Gratitude

I come out here

surrounded by my favorite things

and I open my heart

anticipation

come what may

bring my life 

what it needs

surprise me with generosity

butterflies and blooms

kindred spirits 

words that come

tumbling

I will begin

each day

filled this way

with anticipation

and I will come again

in the evening

as day gives an embrace to night

I’ll thank the stars above

generously

for fireflies and breezes

kindred spirits that came in

cups of coffee shared

and the chance to dance

on that ragged edge

surrounded by my favorite things.

👣💗 Jeanna’ Mead

9 32 a.m.  5-8-18

http://www.jeannasoul.com

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Ride

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Light Up My Life

When it’s too dark

and I can’t see your lips clearly

Light up my life

with your touch

come in a little closer

and let me feel

the rise and fall

of every breath you take

let me smell the scent you wear

and the ones you have

that make you who you are

Turn on the lights

if there are any near

but if you’ll just speak

good and clear

AVA will catch it all

light up my life

and we can sit

in the dark

feel the breeze 

count the stars

and I won’t be

hiding behind a facade

pretending to be

anything I’m not

because I can finally

be exactly 

whereever you want

to light up my life 

👣💗 Jeanna’ Mead

 5 08 p.m. 4-17-18

http://www.jeannasoul.com