Sunday morning, my husband and I watched Lakepointe Church – Rockwall Campus and some of the things Josh Howerton said hit my heart hard.

Truth spoken sometimes does that.

As he spoke about relationships that mattered- friends that you could trust to point out your blind spots as well as shine the light to encourage you, I paused as I took it all in.

Friendships are hard.
Relationships are hard.

Isolation is hard.
Vulnerability is hard.

We have to choose our hard.

But there’s another really hard piece about all this that I’ve got to write about.

Being half deaf is hard.

It’s really hard when it comes to relationships, it’s really hard when it comes to doing things hearing people take for granted.

I can’t just casually listen to anyone talk- it’s not that easy.

I have to focus- really, intentionally focus- the whole time. My eyes scan lips, eyes, body language as i listen as closely as I can.
I lean in- there is no slouching back comfortably- as every fiber in my body strains to understand, to catch what’s being said and what’s left unspoken but understood.

And the thoughts that runs through my head can be overwhelming-

“ Did i catch that right?”

“ What did I miss? Why is everyone laughing so hard?”

“Please don’t let me make a fool out of myself.”

“ i don’t want to be the center of attention.”

“ i don’t want people to feel sorry for me or worse, feel sorry for my husband.”

“I have something I’ll like to say but i don’t want to accidentally interrupt anyone else.”

“There’s so many people all talking at once- Ava can’t follow.”

“Please, let me just get through this gracefully.”

You see, I’m really good at one-on-one where i can focus only on the person I’m with and I’m even pretty good at a small group of 3 to 5 but anything bigger, i get lost.

And by lost, i mean that i hear the laughter, i hear the commotion, i hear the prayer, i hear the words spoken but i do NOT understand 85% of it.

It’s as if everybody is speaking a language that I’m not fluent in.

I catch just enough to string together a story in my imagination.

Just enough cues to remember and ask someone about later but here’s the deal- hearing people don’t pay attention to those little signs and nuances that i do so when i ask,

“ What was the man in the chambray shirt and Wrangler jeans saying when he be stroked his beard?,” i get a blank look and they have no idea what I’m talking about.

Or when i say, “The two women that were sitting next to each other that were wiping tears and sharing about their friendship— what made them both cry?”

I’ll get this,” oh, it’s nothing much.. they were just being emotional .”

I usually get the shortest version of whatever is being said – like the Reader’s Digest instead of the best selling novel.

It’s hard.

But it’s not impossible.

It’s hard, but I’m going to give it my best shot, anyway, again.

You want to know why?

Over the last few years, God has been showing up for me in ways i can’t deny.

He’s taught me that my hearing loss is actually one of my greatest blessings.

It’s hard, sure, but it clarifies things.

I don’t hear what people say behind my back so i don’t worry about it.

It’s impossible for me to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations so i don’t catch gossip and then give it more power by spreading it.

I don’t multitask at all so anyone that’s with me feels known, heard, worthy, and validated.

I pay attention- really- I’m all in, always.

I am present and in awe of the person I’m with- i lean in and i listen with all that I am.

And sometimes that’s a little too much for some people.

It’s a certain level of intimacy- holding eye contact in a culture that stares at phone screens instead of faces, it’s a physical connection because I sit closer, and I touch often.

That’s another thing- for the half deaf like me, touch is communication- it whispers , “ I am with you,” and it conveys a message that goes deep into the very soul and says,” You matter, you are important, and I’m glad you’re with me.”

So this Saturday evening, I’m going to do a real hard thing.

I’m going to go to the Rooted- Team Jesus discipleship group meeting. We signed up for ten weeks, 2 hours every Saturday night.

I’m holding tight to my life verses that i claimed way back ,
“““Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

And, this one-

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I’m not going to dwell about how hard it was for me to understand other groups and gatherings because this is a new thing, and He’s going to make a way in the wilderness for me – I just know it.