Over the years,and,even more so,the last several months, I’ve wrestled with something-who I am, who I want to be,and who others think I am.
Those three things aren’t always the same,they don’t even always line up or make sense and I’ve had my share of struggles over it.
But,early this morning,curled up in my bed,I read another women’s blog and I whispered,”Damn straight,babe,damn straight!”
She wrote “be the woman God created you to be”, not some cookie cutter,copy- cat,rip-off imitation of anyone else-be who you are absolutely naturally,passionately,intuitively-because that’s who you were created to be.
As I sat there, tears welled up in my eyes,blurring my vision and clearing my sight,all at once.
For quite some time now,I’ve been building walls,wearing a veil,pulling a mask on while trying to be accepted,to fit in,to make others comfortable and to be who others wanted,or thought I should be.
I was beginning to lose myself in the chaos,forgetting to be who I really was. I was turning into a hypocrite-encouraging others,reminding them of their unique beauty and worth, and doubting my own.
I realized with utmost clarity this morning,that’s just not right. I don’t have to be like anyone else, heck, I was never,ever intended to be like anyone else. I was-no- I AM created to be myself, and that’s exactly who I’m going to be.
I’m going to pull on my cowboy boots,layer my necklaces,stack on my bracelets,and sashay when I walk.
I’m going to sit close and touch when I talk, creating an intimacy,a connection because that’s what a half deaf girl like me does.
I’ll call strangers “babe” and hold the baristas hand when he hands my Americano to me.
I’ll wrap my clients in an embrace when they walk inside my space without giving it a second thought.
I’ll buy gifts,send handwritten cards, invite friends out without thinking of how it looks to others.
When it gets too dark to read lips outside, I’ll go in where the light is and those that want my company, will come along with me. I won’t bluff and pretend to understand, I’ll simply admit that I didn’t catch what was said.
When the music moves me, I’ll dance, moving my body to the rhythm,feeling the passion rise within my soul. I might even grab your hand and pull you out there to dance with me.
When I’m happy and content,I’ve always purred,much like a kitten,and I’ve tried not to do that.
Not anymore. If you happen to hear a soft,gentle purr when I’m massaging you or just sitting beside you,then you’ll know I’m exactly where I want to be,that I’m loving this moment with you.
I’m blunt,and straight forward,which has rackled many people and raised a few eyebrows, but I’ll keep on saying what I think,with a little sugar to make it go down easier.
Everyone isn’t going to be my friend,or my client,and quite a few ain’t going to like me but that’s just fine.
You see, there’s something else I’ve learned. I’m good enough,just the way I am. I’m growing stronger and wiser,more confident and positive every single day of my life.
I’m becoming more of the woman I want to be, more of who I was created to be.
Maybe, just maybe I won’t be who someone else expects or wants me to be,but that’s okay ….because, I like myself, just the way I am, just the way
God made me and,like my beloved daddy used to say,”that’s all that matters.”
Here I am…..love me or not.
‘m Jeanna’ and I’ve got.my boots on!
Feel with both hands, Jeanna’