Greatest Fear

At 3 32 in the afternoon, I laid my phone on my massage table and went into the tiny toliet closer in my massage room.

I was expecting a client at 345, so I was doing what I always did- using the restroom, washing my hands, preparing for the massage.

I unbuttoned my jeans, sat on the toilet and pulled the door shut.

After doing my business, I stood up, zipped and buttoned my jeans, buckled my belt and then reached for the knob.

It turned, over and over, and wouldn’t open. The bolt was stuck and not turning with the knob.

I reached above me on the top of the door and grabbed the skelton key although I knew in my heart that this wasn’t the issue.

The skelton key turned easily but the door still wouldn’t open.

I lost it. I begin screaming and kicking the door with my cowboy boots, banging my fists over and over on the solid oak door with no avail.

I was so scared. Trembling with panic and fear, I kept turning the knob, pushing against the door, screaming as loud as I could.

It felt like forever. It WAS forever to me.

Then I hear something…. I scream, “Help me, help me, help me!”

I couldn’t hear what was being said or done, and I continued screaming and kicking the door.

Seconds later, I hear another key trying to open the door. I scream that it’s not the skelton part but the knob instead.

Laura pulled and pulled and finally got the door opened. I ran from the toliet closet across the room and fell on the floor against the wall, crying hysterically.

Laura’s instincts had saved me.

When I had stepped into my toliet closet, Laura had began talking to a new client and going over what he wanted for his massage.

Then Laura had done what we always do.

She went into the hall bathroom. She did her business and washed her hands. She also felt vibrations that weren’t usual.

That was the vibrations of my boots against the wood floors and the door.

She walked down to the waiting area right outside my door and asked the man waiting if he had seen me.

He replied that he hadn’t and that he was there for his 345 appointment but that I hadn’t came to get him yet.

Laura knew then that something wasn’t right.

She opened the door to my room and noticed my phone on the massage table.

She felt the vibrations again and rushed to the bathroom where she heard my screams.

When she couldn’t get the door opened at first, she ran back to her room for the keys and tried that.

It took strength to pull the door open, it took intuition to know something was terribly wrong. She had both.

After I had calmed down a little, I asked Laura if Robert, my client,was there. She said he was. I told her to go get him and then to go back to her own client that was waiting for his massage you begin.

It took a minute or two before I could calm down enough to talk to my client, but I felt the strength and calmness from this big, gentle man that I’ve worked on for years.

I asked him to just hold me for a minute and he did. A strong, comforting embrace. Enough to let me ground myself and be centered again.

He asked if he should come again another day and, with tears in my eyes, I asked him to please let me work on him anyway.

I explained that when I massage, I feel powerful and I feel that I can trust myself, trust my instincts, trust my intuition and trust my body. I feel in control when I’m doing what I love and I needed that.

Oh, how I needed to give a massage after losing control of myself in a toliet closet.

He agreed. I stepped out and let him get on the table and when I laid my hands on his back, the rush of emotion hit me fully.

I wasn’t trapped anymore. I wasn’t scared anymore. I was safe. I was strong. I was capable.

I don’t remember much more about the massage itself. I remember wiping tears on my shirt as I worked. I remember his breathing was deep and slow. I remember how I felt calmer and calmer as I moved through each stroke.

What I will never forget is the way Laura’s instincts kicked into place and saved me and how Robert was so understanding and compassionate.

I will also never again shut the door on the toliet closet when I need to do my business. Instead I’ll shut the door to my massage room so that my greatest fear of being trapped won’t happen again.

Jeanna’ Mead
7 29 a.m 11.15.20