In Search….. Pondering the words of C. Joybell C.

‘I am not in search of sanctity, sacredness, or purity. These things are found after this life, not in this life.”

There was a time in my life when I struggled to be more like the other women I knew- pure, sacred, quiet and modest… In appearance, in action, in spirit.,

I wasn’t .. I just wasn’t.. and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be.

I felt like a fraud when I got dressed and went to take my place with them, wondering what to say, what not to say, how to appear as if I knew what they were talking about.

I didn’t belong, and I really didn’t want to belong but I felt like I should because it was ‘expected” of me.

But that was years and years ago when I was in my early twenties, still figuring out who I was and what I was created for.

“but in this life. I search to be completely human To feel. To give To take.”

These lines… It’s what I’ve chosen to do… to be so completely human… To give myself permission to give and to take. Give an embrace. Take time to be alone. Give a knowing look and take the hand offered to me. Give a gift to someone. Recieve a gift without feeling any thing but gratitude, and certainly not obligation. Give forgiveness and take it when offered back. Give myself a second chance and take the opportunities that come my way. Give an amazing massage and take the massage that’s been offered to me, without second guessing and attempting to control the session. Give and recieve, just like I’ve always believed was important.

“To laugh.”

Oh, to laugh just to laugh and to hear the sound of others laughing.

This last year I’ve found myself craving laughter so much, from the squeal of a toddler, the rambunctious laugh of carefree kids, the chuckle shared between friends. All of it. The pure pleasure of laughter …

There’s a guy that comes to get massages from me and, over the years, we’ve developed a friendship. He’s got one of those great laughs that I’m so grateful I can hear. When he comes, we always laugh and it makes me feel connected and good. His laugh is almost like an embrace, it wraps around and fills the space. It’s a simple thing, but it’s an important thing to me and I look forward to every time I see him and hear that laugh.

“To get lost and to be found.”

I’m notorious for getting lost, even in the small town I have lived in for the last twenty years. I can turn down a road that I think I know and wind up driving around in circles, until finally I find my way to familiar ground again.

Sometimes that really does drive me crazy and others as well, but the truth is… Most of the time,I really enjoy just wandering around, looking at things that I haven’t seen before..

I’ve learned to let go of things that I’ve “lost” and accept that if they’re meant for me, it will be found again.

It’s the same with relationships and friendships . Sometimes we lose touch, only to find the connection again when the timing is right.

That’s what being a human and a treasure hunter is about to me.

I can find a treasure in someone’s “trash” and I can turn a “lost cause” into a beautiful thing.

There’s been times when I’ve stood on the ragged edge perched between losing control and finding strength, and I’ve always found my balance right when it mattered

I’ve lost some “friends” over things that shouldn’t have caused the demise but I’ve also found some friends that others would have never been able to understand.

I’ve lost the need to explain who I am and what I believe to anyone that isn’t a part of my circle and I’ve found that sometimes shooting straight is incredibly freeing.

I’ve lost track of time during a massage, finding out that I’ve given more than the clients expected but this has been one of the things others have found to set my place apart.

I’ve also lost track of time while folding sheets, planting flowers, and visiting with friends

I’ve found excuses to keep from going where I didn’t feel like I belonged until I realized that I should always trust my instincts on things like that.

During this pandemic created by Covid, I’ve also lost some clients that have felt I was being “dangerous” in my approach to the situation.

I’ve accepted that without any feeling any real need to justify or explain my stance.

I do, however, feel that every person that’s left my practice for this reason will be filled by someone else that wil align with me better.

Lost…. and found.

Lost and found

I want to do more of both and be more of both

To dance”

Please. If you know anything at all about me… You’ll know I dance..

I dance alone while brushing my teeth in the bathroom sink. I dance in the kitchen while getting snacks at midnight. I dance in my car while driving. I dance in the aisle at the grocery store and I dance while walking in the parking lot.

When a great song came on at my gym, I dropped my tire and went over to the wood floor and started salsa dancing my heart out

I never turn down anyone that asks me to dance.. I will dance with old men and young boys, with fancy ladies and teenage girls, with nervous beginners and those that have danced professionally.

I don’t care what songs are playing.. I just want to dance… again and again.

I dance when I’m massaging my clients… especially when it’s Ashiatsu. I dance when I’m stressed out and when I’m happy. I dance when nobody is looking and when it feels like all eyes are on me

“To love and to lust.”

Both are good and beautiful

To love intentionally and expectantly means to be open and honest with your feelings. To be intimate with your soul and your body. To love in words and in action. In such a way that gives so much, recieves so much and creates so much

We can love different people in different ways. Love isn’t limited. It doesn’t have a beginning and an end. It is infinite.

I’ve always wondered why so many people love like a prison. They limit who they love and set limits on the people that love them.

I don’t understand it .. I think it’s rooted in fear. Fear that there won’t be “enough” love to go around, fear that they will lose out, fear that they aren’t enough, fear that there’s too much.

Each child I’ve had, I’ve found my love multiples. It isn’t divided.. it only grows deeper and richer

Each person I love, makes me love the others more. I often think that’s how God wants us to be… Loved and known, as well as loving and knowing

It’s also important to lust.. to desire.. to feel alive.. connect with another on a deep level..

Lust is defined as a “sexual and sensual attraction” and I agree-somewhat-but I also think that lust means to crave and long for other things.

I lust for a better body so I workout hard … I lust for great relationships so I put in the effort, I lust for beauty and grace, so I plant flowers and listen to music and read words that fill my soul.

After all, I am not in search of anything except to be completely human all the days of my life.

👣♥️ Jeanna’ Mead
April 1 2021 11 38 a.m

Finished in the Just Breathe Salt spa..

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