I’ve had to step back and let go of some things.
I’ve had very few people cross the lines from client to friends and when I have done this, I feel very vulnerable..
Amy Weatherly wrote it best “The older I get the more I realize I want one thing in my life more than anything else:
Well, maybe two things because I also want Mexican food, but you know.
I want peace.
I want friendships that aren’t fragile. I want relationships that aren’t volatile. I want people in my life where the connection between us isn’t delicate—where it isn’t easily broken. Where you trust me and I trust you and differences and disagreements are communicated and aired out in the open honestly.
I want it all as comfortable as possible…like sweatpants that are worn-in and cozy. Sweatpants that allow room for growth and grace in the same way drawstrings work.
I don’t want bad with anyone. I don’t want bitterness, or anger, or awkwardness when we see each other. I can’t handle any of that “are we speaking? Are we not speaking? Are we friends? Are we cool face to face, but behind my back you’re spitting fire and bringing my name down?”
I’m full. Motherhood is a mental workout all day, every day. Adulthood in general is pretty stressful. Bills and work and deadlines and all of that business.
I literally cannot take on anymore stress and I’m so over all of the division and arguing it’s not even funny. I don’t wanna be your enemy. I never wanna be your enemy. No matter what your opinions may be. No matter your religion or your political party. No matter if you see red and I see blue, and you like country music and I like pop.
I wanna love you. I wanna be for you. I don’t want to be your competition. I wanna be your cheerleader, or at least a cordial passerby-er. I genuinely, to the depths of my soul, believe we’re all connected and we all need to be in this together. De-humanizing isn’t the way to go. Neighbor against neighbor isn’t the way to go.
I don’t want any drama. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not even in tiny doses. None. If you throw it my way, I hate to disappoint you, but I will not even attempt to catch it.
I don’t want chaos, or turmoil, or any of that. I don’t want gossip. I don’t want to hear secrets that may or may not even be true. I mean…I’ll keep your secrets for sure. I’m like a vault, but if I can’t hear the whole story, or both sides, I’m not gonna jump in and play referee. I’m just going to extend compassion and assume everybody is doing the best they possibly can.
And I’m good on the tea. I don’t need any. I prefer that fizzy, flavored water stuff anyway. Maybe a Diet Dr. Pepper.
I want peace.
And I’ve learned that sometimes it’s not really about keeping the peace. It’s about creating peace.
It’s about confronting things head-on. It’s about asking good questions. It’s about listening. It’s about keeping my ridiculous knee-jerk reactions to myself until I understand the situation more fully. It’s about refusing to brush the difficult stuff under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist until that rug becomes a mountain in-between me and my friend. It’s about talking things out and approaching every situation with kindness first.
It’s about apologizing.
It’s about maturity.
It’s about boundaries and knowing that even when I give my best, not everyone will appreciate it, want it, or like it.
It’s about loving them and letting them go from there and realizing 1. I’ll never be able to control them 2. Sometimes their opinions about me are really only branches stemming from their own issues. It’s about knowing that my reputation is what others think about me and my character is what is true about me. Character trumps reputation hands down.
Everything in the news and on social media is so heavy. It’s so hard, and just ughhhhh, ya know? Kinda makes me wanna puke.
So for me, and my own self, we are choosing peace.
I don’t have any capacity for hate, or hostility, or animosity, or for avoiding people because there are unresolved issues between us. Nope. Life is too short and it’s too hard as it is. I don’t want any of it in my soul, or in my life.
I want goodness.
I want purity.
I know I’m a mess sometimes and I’m insecure and prideful and I make so many mistakes. I’m so imperfect. I always will be, but I’ll never stop giving it my all. I just…
I want peace.
I want it to ooze out of me. I want it in me. I want it coming out of me. I want it all around me.
No matter what anyone else is doing.
I want peace.
And tacos and stuff, obviously.
And during this journey, I’ve realized that I can’t take it to heart when people walk away or try to make me feel defensive about my choices.. I just have to guard my heart and move forward.
It means taking care of my mental health and my physical health by drawing my circle close and seeking peace .
That’s what I’m going for . Authentic peace… Real relationships.. it can happen.